Every you, every me
by patricijacurtis
Summary: Santana has always dated boys, but it never felt right. With time, she accepted the fact that she's gay. Next problem; small town with no other gay girls in it. At least that's what she thought. Will certain blonde be her first girlfriend, and possibly change her life forever?
1. Teenage Angst

Summer before the sophomore year of high school.  
>Brittany and Santana have spent the whole ninth grade being friends. They had similar tastes in music and movies, and stuff like that. They always had something to talk about.<br>This was the summer that's going to change everything. Will they become closer? How much closer? Will one fall in love with the other? Will other feel the same?  
>Let's find out through Santana's eyes.<p>

* * *

><p><em>End of freshman year. Finally. This summer is going to be awesome. <em>

I thought to myself as I walked out of school. Brittany was walking right next to me. She had a weird mixture of expressions on her face. Something between sad, angry and confused.

"Are you okay?" I finally asked.

"Yeah. I'm great. I broke up with Artie." The weird expression turned into a fake smile.

Brit and Artie dated for 7 months. Almost through the whole ninth grade. He liked the idea of having a girlfriend, so he got one. And it was sweet, naive Brittany. If you ask me, he never truly loved her, or cared about her and her feelings. He just liked the idea of being in a relationship. Although, he did have this vision of perfect girlfriend in his head, and as time slowly passed, he made it his plan to turn Brittany into this girl he wanted to date. She cared about him and didn't want to hurt him at all, and by the time he started accomplishing his plan, she was deeply in love with him.  
>3 months into their relationship and it was obvious, well, at least to me, that she was unhappy.<p>

And now, there she was, telling me that she finally did it. She finally broke up with that idiot.

I have to admit, I cared about her. A lot more than people thought I did. Sometimes when I'd see her with him, with that sad look on her face, my heart broke a little too. It was obvious that hers was already completely shattered.

5 months into dating him, the sad look she always had on her face turned into just staring into some distant, blank spot. She wanted to be happy with him so badly. It just didn't work. I couldn't figure out if she was falling apart, or if she just got used to feeling broken.  
>He wanted to make out all the time, and she returned the kisses to satisfy him, but she did it with no emotion or passion at all.<p>

So now, I made it my plan, or mission, whatever you want to call it, to make this summer amazing for her. I'm going to be the best friend she has ever had, and I'm going to make her happy.

_I have to. I want her to feel like she's good enough just the way she is. I want her to know that there are people who don't want to change her._

We were on our way to the hill not far away from my house. We used to go there on picnics. Well, we called them picnics, but our intentions weren't really enjoying the food and sun and all the peacefulness around us, but getting drunk with the few of our close friends.  
>Although, I really did enjoy it there. It was my favourite place in the whole town. It was so peaceful. From up there you could see the whole town, yet nobody could see you. The sky seemed so close, and the boring town we lived in and boring lives we had, so far.<p>

As we started climbing up the hill, Brittany slowed down a little.

_I knew she was exhausted. Not from the trip to the hill, but from the way people treated her. _

I stopped, let everyone pass me, and waited for her.

_I don't want her to feel alone. I want her to know that I'm here._

Our steps were small and slow, and the only thing that we could hear was the laughter of our friends in the distance. I noticed how the sadness, anger and confusion appeared on her face again.

"Today is gonna be fun." I finally spoke. Though what I really meant was I'll make sure you have fun today.

"Yeah." She said, looked at me, and smiled. This time, the smile looked a little more honest.


	2. It's between you and me

It was 2 in the afternoon. The sun was shinning so bright. The sky was so blue. The clouds were so white. And, what Santana paid attention to the most, Brittany was so sad. Usually she would cheer up when they were up there, she would drink and have fun with the rest of us. This time, she was quiet, lost somewhere deep in her thoughts.

_I can't stand to watch her like that. I have to do something. But what? She's still in love with stupid Artie. And he's such a jerk!_

"Hey, are you okay?" I asked, already knowing the answer.  
>"Yeah.."<br>"Why aren't you drinking?"

"I'm not in the mood. I don't actually want to get drunk today. I'm not in the mood."  
>"I doubt it that you'll stay sober. You'll get thirsty soon and you know we don't have any non-alcoholic drinks."<p>

Brittany just shrugged and looked into the distance. She stayed like this for half an hour.

"Come on Brittany, don't be such a party breaker. Santana can't relax and have fun with us because of you." Puck yelled at Brittany.

I wanted to yell back at him but I saw Brittany turned around and started speaking something.

"Oh Puck shut up. You want Santana to relax and drink so that maybe she'd have sex with you later."  
>"Exactly. And you're ruining it for me!" he continued yelling.<br>I was completely shocked.  
>Brittany picked her stuff and walked away.<br>"Puck you're fucking asshole. Leave Brittany alone. And I'm never having sex with you again. I'd rather listen to Rachel talk about Broadway and Finn for a week!"  
>"Hey what did I do now?" Rachel spoke, angry at me.<br>"Oh shut up, this is not about you!" _I said, picked up my stuff and ran after Brittany._

"Brittany! Wait."  
>Brittany stopped. She didn't even turn around. She just stood there until I came to her.<br>"Puck's a jerk." I said and gave her a hug. "Come on, let's go buy some juice for you and find some nice, quiet place."

"That sounds perfect." she smiled. 

_There we were. Holding hands while walking to the town. It didn't feel strange, though this was out first handholding. I can't say I didn't feel anything more than just friendship in that moment, but I didn't know what this feeling exactly was. _

"You know what? I changed my mind. I will get drunk today. I don't care anymore. I want to get drunk." Brittany interrupted my thoughts.

"Oh, okay. Whatever you want. We can get drunk together."

"Let's just buy a lot of vodka and get wasted."  
>"Okay. Sure."<p>

I knew about this small grocery shop where they always sold us alcohol. We were aware of the fact that it's illegal but saleswomen were really nice, and they just asked us to hide bottles in our bags after we'd bought them. So I took Brittany there and we bought booze.

_We found this little park where no one ever went, so we could be alone. She wanted us to be alone. She couldn't stand the thought of being around a lot of people in that moment. I was okay with that. All I wanted was to cheer her up.  
>We sat there for hours. Drinking, listening to music, talking about movies and a lot of random stuff. It was nice. I missed her. Last few months were kind of hard for me. We got really close and than she started dating that asshole Artie. The hardest part was watching her unhappy, when I knew that she could be happy with me. I mean, not in a relationship or something, just spending time with me. Like now. She seems so happy right now. <em>

"This is nice. We should do it again sometime." I said.  
>"It really is. We can do it again next Friday. No! We can do it every Friday, it's summer now! It's gonna be so awesome." Okay, she was already drunk.<p>

"Sure, we can. It's gonna be the best summer ever."  
>She stared at me, so I looked at her. She smiled, and then she kissed me. On the lips. I kissed her back. It felt so right. It was probably the best kissed I've ever experienced until then. She moved her lips away from mine, but I put my hand around her neck and moved them back on mine. This time, I kissed her with tongue.<br>Anyway, we made out a lot that night. Probably because we were wasted. Honestly I don't even remember the whole night. I have no idea how and when I got home.  
>I was really confused and scared the next day. I talked to Brittany but we didn't mention the making out parts. We just concluded it was fun and we made plans for next Friday; drinking.<p> 


	3. A product of a broken home

**10:30 am**

_What the fuck happened last night? Oh fuck, what if she finds out that I want do be more than friends with her? Do I want to be more than friends? Oh my fucking God Santana, calm down. You two were just a little drunk and … kissed. Yeah, that's right, kissed. You did that thing that people who like each other more than just friends usually do, the thing that people who like each other romantically do. Fuck, not again. Calm the fuck down already. She was probably too drunk to even remember what happened._

My thoughts wouldn't leave me alone. I always think too much. I have a tendency to over think every single thing I do or say. And every single thing somebody else does or says. And honestly I hate myself for that. I can never, ever relax. Well, I can, when I'm drunk. But when I'm drunk I usually end up making out with a totally random guy. Not a stranger, a guy who I know from school, but just somebody who I never talked to before. I know, I know, that's not good at all. But I don't want a relationship. Well, I do, but not with a guy. I have never felt anything for any guy I ever dated. And I think I'd like to feel something, for a change.  
>I love girls, too. I make out with them, too. But I've never had a girlfriend. I'd really want to, but I don't know… This town is just so… Small. Full of judgmental people. Boring. Nothing new ever happens. Nobody new ever comes here. It's always the same people, the same places, the same rituals. I hate it here. I can't wait until I finish high school, pack my bags and move to Europe or something. I won't even leave a note. I'll just leave. Nobody would even notice I'm gone.<br>Anyway… I don't think that there are any gay girls here. Sure, there are a lot of girls who make out with girls and claim they're bisexual, but seriously, if they were, they wouldn't randomly make out with girls while being in a relationship with a guy. Oh and yeah their boyfriends don't mind it at all and they say it's not cheating. People piss me off so much sometimes. Yeah, sometimes… More like all the time.  
>Okay, now I'm seriously going to say what I've been trying to say; there are no girls who are interested in dating other girls. And I hate it so much. I like girls so much, maybe even more than I like guys, but how am I supposed to know for sure if I've never dated a girl? I want a fucking girlfriend. I want to hold a girl's hand, kiss her in the rain, have cute picnics with her, watch movies and cuddle… I guess I'll never have that kind of thing with anyone. Well, not here. I hate this place so much.<p>

_Ah fuck, it's too early for me to think. I need more sleep._

**5:13 pm**

"Will you get the fuck up already? You're sleeping until 5 pm every fucking day, I'm sick of it. You never help your mom with housework! You don't even clean your own room! You useless spoiled brat!" my dad woke me up, yelling at me.  
>"Oh please, it's like the first day of the summer vacation and I'm sorry for using the chance to finally get a good sleep!" I yelled back. "And why the fuck do you care about my room", I continued, but he stopped me.<br>"Don't you use that tone with me!" his face got really red. "I don't give a fuck about your summer vacation, if I can work every day, you can manage to get your ass out of the bed before I get home and clean the fucking house!"  
>"It's not like Scarlett couldn't have done it, why is it always me?" I yelled back again.<br>I had so much more to say, but I shut up when I saw his eyes become wider and wider. I was so scared at that moment. My jaw dropped and my heart started beating way faster than it should. And then it happened. The moment I'll never, ever forget. The slap. My father slapped me. My own father physically hurt me. I sat on my bed, crying. Crying and sobbing like a junkie when you take his drugs away. Or like a baby when you take its favourite toy away. Yeah, I think that that's what people compare crying really hard with. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe properly. I was shocked. Scared. Disappointed.

My dad just stormed out of the room. My mom and my sister, Scarlett, have heard everything. And realizing that they're having a normal conversation in the living room, right next to my bedroom, made me cry even more.  
>Nobody cares. Nobody ever cared. I'm alone. I always have been.<br>I laid back in bed, hugged my pillow tightly and cried myself to sleep.

**8:23 pm**

*beep*

The vibrating of my phone woke me up.  
>"Hello?" I answered.<br>"There's dinner on the table if you're hungry."

"Mom? Where are you?"  
>"In the living room."<br>"I'm not hungry." 

_Seriously. We're in the same house and she had to call me to tell me that. Wow. They've probably already eaten without me. Doesn't anybody care about anything anymore? I still have feelings. I might be a bitch, but that's only because no one showed me better. I want to be a better person. I am a good person, I just don't know how to show it. Nobody has taught me how to do it. They all just yelled at me. Whatever. I'm texting Britt. Maybe she cares._

"Hey. Last night was fun, we have to do it again. Did you sleep well?"  
>"Heeey. Yeah I slept like a baby. It's half past nine though, did you just wake up?"<p>

"Yeah, kind of… Anyway, I was wondering… Did we kiss just because we were drunk orrr?"

"Yeah. It's no big deal. ;) " 

_Oh well. Nobody cares. I need more sleep. I hope I never wake up._


	4. Leave me dreaming on the bed

_I hope your bedroom window is open because I'm on my way to your house._

I read Brittany's text message and stayed completely shocked. We haven't talked in weeks, and now she's coming here? What the fuck.

I didn't even get a chance to change from my pyjamas. It was around 8 pm but I didn't see the point in changing since I've spent the whole day in bed. I heard knocking on my window one minute after reading the message.

"What are you doing here?" I whispered as I opened my window to let Britt in.

"I missed you and since I was already in your neighbourhood I decided to come and see you!"

"Shhh. My parents are in the room next door."

"Okay, okay." She said quietly as she stroked my left upper arm. She looked me deeply in the eyes and I could see her eyes were intensely red.  
>I removed her hand with my right arm and looked at her angrily.<p>

"Have you been drinking?" I asked.

"Noooo. I am pretty stoned though."

"Where the hell have you been? And since when are you doing drugs?"

"Oh chill out, weed is not even a drug!"

"Oh my God be quiet. Do you want my parents hear you talking about weed? They haven't even met you yet, do you want their first impression of you to be that you're some kind of junkie?" I said quietly but still managed to sound really angry.

She put her finger across my lips.  
>"Shhh. We can't let them see me like this then." She said calmly and ran fingers of her left hand through my hair. We gazed into each others eyes for couple of moments. She moved her right hand to the back of my neck, slowly pulled my head closer to hers, her lips closer to mine… And she kissed me.<p>

A strong wave of emotions ran through my whole body. My knees became weak, my hands were shaking and my stomach got sick. Not as if I were about to throw up, but nervously sick. Only my lips were calm.  
>She kept kissing me. She moved her left hand to my lower back and pulled my whole body closer to hers. Much closer. I've never been that physically close to anyone before. It made my stomach even more nervous. It made me even more nervous. Although, it felt <em>so<em> good. I could've easily collapsed but the though of being held in her arms made me feel safe. I wrapped my arms around her body and started kissing her back.

I let her take the lead in whatever it was that we were about to do, and a few minutes later I realized she was on top of me, in my bed. She lifted her head up a bit and gazed into my eyes again. The light from the street lamps that shined through my window came right across her eyes. They were so beautiful; deep and blue. She started kissing me gentle and slowly. Next, she kissed my neck. Because of all that nervousness I didn't even realize her hands were under my pyjamas, finding their way to my back to unbutton my bra. She kissed me on the lips again, with the tongue. With much tongue, in fact. Feeling the strong heat in my pants I had to admit to myself that I was enjoying her touch and kisses. Oh, I was enjoying them _so much_.

Finally, I relaxed. As she gently massaged my breasts, my hands were exploring parts of her body. Her back, her stomach, her neck, her hair, her face, her breasts…

I took her shirt of and then I realized… _She's high. I don't want to do it like this. I want her to be brave like this every day. I want her to like me the way I like her. Why is she even doing this? Am I just some kind of experiment? I don't want to be a fucking experiment…_

She kissed me so hard that I forgot what I was thinking. I liked it too much to push her away and tell her I don't want it like this.

_Maybe it's the only way I'm ever going to have her. If I tell her to back off now, she might never come back. I can't risk that. I want her. I want her and it's killing me. _

Her hands started exploring lower parts of my body. How could I resist the feeling I get when she touched my thigh? Or when she kisses me like that?  
>I was thinking so much I didn't even realize I was only in my underwear. She took off my pyjamas, and she was removing the rest of her clothes too.<p>

"You're so hot." She said as she unbuttoned her pants.

_Is that what this is?_ _I'm hot so she decided to have sex with me?_

I smiled nervously, unable to say anything.

And there we were – on my bed, half naked, exchanging hard kisses, touching gently, exploring each other's bodies. It was both her and my first time. First time must mean something, right? Well, it definitely meant something to me.

She kissed me again. Every time she did it I could feel what she wants. This kiss meant that we're about to go all the way.  
>She kissed my neck, again, while her right hand was moving up and down my left thigh, and her left one found her way to my right breast. Few moments later, her lips found their way to my breasts. She licked my nipple and I moaned. As soon as she started sucking them, I couldn't keep calm anymore. I wildly ran my fingers through her hair, pressing her face deeper into my breasts. It felt so good. <em>I was so wet. <em>  
>Her lips went lower, and lower, and lower… Until her head was between my legs. She removed the only piece of clothing I had on, my panties.<p>

Just when I thought that was it, Brittany pulled back from me.  
>"I… Can't do this." She said as she picked up her clothes and started putting them back on.<p>

I didn't know what do say. It seemed like she didn't want to talk about what just happened, so I stayed quiet.  
>She dressed up and left. She left through the same window she got in half an hour ago.<br>I had nothing to be angry about; I didn't want to do it that way either, right?  
>But anyway, a tear dropped from my eye. I stared at the street lamps, remembering how beautiful Brittany's eyes looked in their light.<br>More tears came along, and soon I fell asleep.


	5. Every sky is blue, but not for me & you

Another Friday night.  
>Quinn got really worried about me because I haven't left my house in weeks. In fact I only left my room when I had to use the bathroom or when I was hungry. I usually woke up around 4 pm and I was home alone every day at that time. My parents worked and my sister had choir rehearsals or acting classes or she was in the park having fun with her friends. Oh God what is it with kids these days? How do they not get tired of playing basketball all day long? I'm too lazy to get up and put some proper clothes on. I've been in the same pyjamas for about a week now. Ever since that night when… That thing with Brittany happened. First couple of days I didn't want to take them off because they smelled like Brittany. Now they just stink of sweat and cigarettes.<p>

_Oh God I'm such a failure. What am I doing with my summer? What am I doing with _my life_?_

Anyway, Quinn came over that day. She owned a key to my bedroom's door. Yeah, I had doors that lead to outside of the house. The best thing ever. I usually used them to go over to Quinn's house in the middle of the night when she needed a cigarette. Her parents didn't know they smoked so we spent most of the nights hanging out in her basement while everybody was sleeping. Plus, there was always some alcohol there; beer, or wine, or vodka. It didn't even matter, we just wanted to get drunk. It always ended up with me getting really emotional and talking about completely random stuff or with us making out. I even had a huge crush on her for months, but that's a whole different story. We're just best friends. We always have been. We went to kindergarten together, and even our parents used to be really close. They're not anymore, but we are. We have always lived in the same neighbourhood, and it was seriously the best thing ever.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I yelled as she turned my bedroom lights on.  
>"I need about half an hour to clean this mess up, so that's how much time you have to take a shower, eat and get dressed." She ignored my question and basically commanded me to get up.<br>"What? No. No fucking way. You're not touching my room and I'm not getting up. I like it here."  
>"You've been closed in here for weeks. Do you have any idea what your room smells like? When was the last time you even opened your window? Ew, it's like all you do it smoke those fucking cigarettes and cry in your bed."<p>

Yeah, exactly…

"Ah, okay." She sat down on my bed and lighted a cigarette.  
>"Oh so now the smell doesn't bother you?"<br>"The smell of the cigarettes never bothered me, it bothers me how you treat yourself with not leaving this room and not taking care of yourself at all. What have you been eating?"

Quinn was obsessed with healthy food. Although she smoked cigarettes, and often weed and she drank every weekend, she didn't let herself eat junk food.

"Leave me alone, I can eat whatever the fuck I want."  
>I wasn't angry or anything, I just hated when she lectured me like that.<p>

"I'm not leaving you alone, you're my best friend and I'm worried about you so I'm getting you out of this bed before you go completely crazy and end up hanging yourself or something."

Okay, that sounded nice. I sat beside her and lighted a cigarette.

"Sure, thanks…"  
>"So, the plan is, you're taking a shower, I'm cleaning this mess up, we're going to dress up and we're going out to get drunk and have some fun."<br>"Okay."

I was okay with that. I couldn't say no to her.

* * *

><p>"Get dressed and come to kitchen, I'm making us some food." Quinn yelled as I got out of the bathroom.<p>

I stayed completely shocked when I got back to my room. So that's what it looked like without empty bags of chips and clothes all over the floor. Oh God the ashtrays are empty. And all the empty cups I drank coffee from are gone. And oh my God the smell. It smells like flowers now, I think. She even changed my bedclothes. She is honestly the best friend I could ever ask for.

I put on my red and black plaid skirt, black top and black Doc Martens boots she prepared for me to wear. Good, because I had no idea what to wear. I was completely okay with this outfit though it wasn't as comfortable as my pyjamas, which are now in the laundry basket.

Quinn prepared us some salad and lasagna. Wow, real food. I literally lived on chips and coffee for the past few weeks.

"So where are we going anyway?" I asked.

"I thought we could stop by my house first, my brother's having this party and it should be fun. We can go somewhere else if it'll be boring."

She had an older brother and he and his friends hung out in their basement every night. Literally, every night. And all they did was smoke weed, listen to music and drink beer. I never liked it there because everybody was over 20, and we were only 16 years old so I always though they considered us kids and didn't even want us to be there. Plus, Quinn always ended up flirting with some guy and I was just there drinking and listening to other people's conversations. Every now and then there would be some guy who tried to be really friendly or flirt with me but I wasn't interested. Sometimes it was because of that crush I had on Quinn and I only wanted to make out with her, but it was mainly because I wasn't interested in guys.  
>Although I have to admit that there were times when I got really drunk and ended up making out with some guy. Then I would just say I'm completely wasted and I can't even see properly anymore so I'd go to Quinn's room to get some sleep and I'd wake up next afternoon with her laying next to me.<p>

"Okay." I didn't want to fight with her and tell her that I don't like it at all when we're at her brother's parties because I knew she'd have it her way anyway. I hated it that I couldn't say no to her.

* * *

><p>"Here you go." Quinn said as she gave me a glass of beer.<br>"Thanks." I replied.  
>"You bitches are drinking our beer again!" her brother said angrily. He was always like this.<br>"Oh shut the fuck up Dave, we won't stay long if you keep being annoying." she yelled back.  
>"I hope you leave soon." He said and chugged down the beer from his glass.<p>

Quinn sat next to me and rolled her eyes.  
>"I hate him so much sometimes." she said quietly to me.<br>"We could leave, you know. I bet there are a lot of people in the park. I mean it's Friday, you know everybody's drinking there tonight."  
>"Yeah. Let's drink this and see who's in the park."<p>

* * *

><p>"Are you okay?" Quinn asked me.<br>"Yeah. I just need more alcohol."  
>"That's the spirit!"<p>

I wasn't okay though. I just saw Brittany walking through the park with Puck. With his arm around her waist. I know they're not dating though. Puck just needs somebody to make out with and Brittany's hot, and probably drunk.  
>They sat down on the bench at the end of the park.<br>Whatever. No way I'm going over there. No way I'm even talking to her.  
>They started making out. His arms are all over her body. Just like mine were a week ago...<br>Ugh. I can't watch them.

"Fuck this." I said to myself quietly and chugged the rest of the beer from the bottle.

"Wow thanks. What should we drink now?" some guy asked. I don't even know his name.  
>"Oh shut up it would be gone in a few minutes anyway."<br>"Calm down, we'll go and buy some more." Quinn said and stood up.  
>She offered me a hand so I could stand up too.<p>

We walked right past Brittany and Puck.  
>I heard Puck ask her if she's okay. Of course she is, why wouldn't she be? I thought to myself convincedly.<p>

When we got back, Britt and Puck were sitting with the rest of the people we were hanging out with.  
>She looked at me like she wanted to say something, but Puck tried to pull her closer to him. I think she wouldn't say anything even if he didn't do that. She just turned away.<br>"What the fuck babe? If you don't want this I'm gone." he said.  
>She didn't say anything.<br>"Whatever." He said angrily and left.  
>She just sat there quietly.<p>

As we sat down, Quinn started touching my thigh. I looked her in the eyes, and she was already looking deeply into mine. She started kissing me, and I didn't stop her. I didn't even want to make out with _her_, but I wanted to make Britt jealous. I think it worked.


	6. Drowned in Southern Comfort

Britt stood up and started running away. Quinn went after her. I wanted to go too, but after what she did to me a week ago, I just couldn't.  
>So I just lay back on the grass and watched the stars. I thought that maybe I could relax a bit before they get back and prepare myself for what's going to happen.<br>I haven't relaxed like this in a while. I'm constantly over thinking every little thing that happens.

_This is nice. _

And it lasted good 20 - 30 minutes.

Then, I felt someone to my right. I turned my head and Britt was laying there.

"Hey." She whispered.

"Hey." I whispered back.

"I'm sorry for what happened last weekend."

"It's okay."

We both knew it wasn't okay.

"No it's not." She said and I could feel that she is actually genuinely sorry. "I'm so stupid."

"Stop it, you're not stupid."

"Yes I am. Can you forgive me?"

"Of course I can."

She smiled and kissed me. It felt so good, so right. It was something that I've waited for so long. Yeah, we kissed last weekend but this was better. I wanted it to last forever. Well, at least a little bit longer. Unfortunately, it didn't.

"So I see you two are speaking again."

Quinn interrupted us.

"Of course we are." Britt said and smiled at me again. "Come on, there's some party not far away from here." She said as she stood up and lent me a hand to stand up too.

* * *

><p>The party was near our high school. There were a lot of people, a lot of <em>drunk <em>people and there was some band playing famous rock songs.  
>Britt and I were holding hands but she had to hug every guy she knew and that kind of bothered me.<p>

"Come on, let's dance." she said and grabbed my hand so I had no other choice than to follow her lead.

We found some girls we knew from school and danced with them. I have to admit I haven't had that much fun in a long time.  
>Every couple of minutes, Britt would come closer to me and dance with me only, and sometimes even kiss me.<p>

_3 beers later ..._

She came closer again and put her scarf around my neck, pulled me closer to her and kissed me again.  
>Then she put her ring on my finger.<p>

"We're engaged now." she said and smiled.

I smiled back, and we just kept dancing and having fun.

_4 beers later ..._

I'm not even sure what time it was, probably around midnight or so, and I was so drunk I couldn't stand on my feet anymore. I couldn't dance anymore. So I just stood there and hoped nobody will push me because I'd fall.

"Come on, why'd you stop dancing?" Britt asked.

"I can't anymore. I'm so drunk and tired."

"Oh come on, you can do it!"

She tried to get me to dance, but I turned around and walked until I found some place where I could sit.

"Are you okay?" she came after me.

I lifted my head up, trying to look at her, but I felt so sick.  
>I turned to my right and puked.<p>

"Oh my God! Santana are you okay? Did you drink too much again?"

"Yeah..."

"Oh my God. Come on, get up, I'm taking you home!"

"I can't get up... Can I just sit here for a while?"

"No, I'm taking you home and putting you to bed."

"What happened?" Quinn stayed completely shocked. As if she didn't know how drunk I can get.

"She's drunk. Help me get her home, please." Brittany responded.

"Yeah of course. Come on San, let's go." Quinn helped me get up.

I have no idea how much time it took us to get to my house, but I remember Quinn pushing her fingers down my throat to help me puke again. But I couldn't.

"Okay here we are." Britt said as she tried to open my front door.

Seriously, they could have just got in through my bedroom's door. This way my mom saw how drunk I was and I knew I'll have to explain everything and I couldn't even talk properly.

My sister unlocked the door and I went straight to the bed.

* * *

><p>Next morning, 4 am.<p>

_Oh fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. I got too drunk again, and I just wanted to impress Brittany. Well I guess that didn't work. Fuck. Oh Santana why do you have to be so stupid all the fucking time. Fuck. I need a shower, coffee and a cigarette. Exactly in that order._

I got out of shower around 5:00, and honestly, I felt better. When I got back to my room I noticed Brittany's scarf and ring on my bed. Well, the ring was on the bed and the scarf was on the floor next to the bed.

_I'm totally wearing this to school today._ I thought as I smelt the scarf. It smelt like Brittany. _So good._

And yeah, having school on Saturday morning, _during the summer_, wasn't the greatest thing. I had to take the English exam because I didn't take it when I had to, when everyone else did.

I got dressed and went to kitchen to make myself some coffee.

"Oh so you're already up." my mom said as I walked through the hallway.

Our house was weird. Living room, hallway and the kitchen were basically like one room. There were no door separating them.

"Of course I am. I have an exam in like an hour."

"How are you feeling?"

"Tired."

"Yeah I can imagine."

Honestly I was surprised that my mom didn't yell at me or anything. I mean, she had every reason to yell. I got so drunk that Quinn and Brittany basically had to _drag_ me home.

"Will you make the coffee?" she asked.

"Yeah sure."

It was the least I could do to thank her for not being mad.

"So, who was that girl yesterday?" my mom asked as I took the first sip of my coffee.

Oh God it felt so good. _So perfect._ Sometimes I considered coffee my life source. It probably was though. Especially that day. I don't think I'd be able to even breathe if I didn't have coffee, in fact, I would yawn so much that I wouldn't be able to breathe.

"Who? Brittany?"

"No, I'm asking about Quinn, because I still don't know who she is although she's at our house every day since you two were 6 years old." my mom said sarcastically.

"Oh, well, Brittany's my... friend."

"Didn't seem like just a friend to me. She was so worried about you and she apologized for getting you drunk like 20 times, while Quinn just stood there."

"First of all, getting drunk was completely my fault. She has nothing to do with it. She didn't get me drunk, I decided to drink. And honestly I don't know what we are."

I didn't want my mom to think badly of her, because I really liked her.

"She seemed really nice. And she's pretty too."

"Yeah she is." I said and smiled.

"What time is it?" my sister asked as she walked into the living room, with her eyes barely open, peeking just to make sure she's talking to us and not to the wall or something, stretching her arms up and yawning, still not being completely woken up.

"5:24" I responded.

"Why are you two up this early?"

"I have work and San has exam. Why are you up?" my mom replied.

"I couldn't sleep. Haha Santana your eyes are so red and your eye bags are huge!"

"Well no shit! Like you'd look any better. You wouldn't even be able to get up until like 4 pm, and look at me already dressed up for school."

"Wow okay sorry... Hey is that Brittany's scarf you're wearing?"

"Yeah... So?" I have to admit I blushed a little.

"Awwww your girlfriend gave you a scarf!"

"Ooooh, girlfriend? I knew you two weren't just friends." my mom added.

Now I was probably completely red and smiling like an idiot.

"Yeah I'm wearing her ring too, so?"

"Oh so you two are already engaged?" my mom had to make a joke.

"Yes, in fact, we are! She said it herself when she gave me the ring."

"Haha you should have heard her yesterday. When you went to bed I stayed and talked to her and she was like ''Put Santana to bed, be with her all night, make sure she's okay. If she'll have to puke again, take her to the bathroom, she's not able to walk by herself and even if she makes it to the bathroom she won't be able to walk back to bed again. Please take care of her!" " my sister said.

"Yeah she seemed really nice." my mom added.

"She really is nice." I said.

"I have to go now. Don't do anything stupid today, Santana. And no going out for you today."

_Fuck, just when I thought she wasn't mad at all._

"Okay. Bye mom."

I drank my coffee and smoked one cigarette before I left for school.

* * *

><p>I was late for exam. I'm always late for everything. School, meeting up with friends... I didn't even bother walking faster. In fact, I was too tired to walk at all.<p>

I knocked on the door and entered the classroom.

"You're late for your exam." my English teacher said.

"I know, I'm sorry." I said, not really meaning it. I couldn't care less for school.

"Take a seat and hurry up, you've got 40 minutes left."


	7. Don't give up on the dream

So there I was, staring at my exam, not having a clue about anything, when all of a sudden I felt my phone vibrating.

1 new message from Brittany.

_Come to the bathroom. I'm waiting for you._

Suddenly, I felt my heart beating faster.

''Can I be excused?'' I asked the teacher.

''If you really have to.'' She replied angrily.

I walked out of the classroom and started walking slowly to the bathroom, with my heart beating faster every minute. I took a couple of big breaths and tried to calm myself.  
>I mean, everybody knows what happens when two people who are attracted to each other find themselves alone in a bathroom.<p>

I opened the door, and saw Brittany standing at the end of the bathroom, leaned on the wall, with her arms crossed.  
>She smiled the second she saw me.<p>

''Come here.'' She said calmly, still smiling.

''Did something happen?'' I asked as I started walking towards her.

''Nope, everything's fine.'' She replied, still being very calm. It freaked me out.

The second I got closer to her, she uncrossed her arms, pulled me closer to her and started kissing me.

I didn't complain at all.  
>I put both of my hands on her neck and kissed her even more passionately.<br>She pulled me closer. There was literally no space between our bodies.

Her hands were stroking my back, occasionally finding their way to other parts of my shaking body, such as hips, neck or hair. God, I loved the feeling of her fingers dancing through my hair. Probably because our kisses would be the most passionate then.

I always had a theory that hair is the most sensitive part of our bodies.  
>I mean, nice hair makes people more attractive, when we're around the person we like, touching our hair is a way of flirting, and the best of all, when the person you like touches your hair, you get that special butterflies in your stomach, that special tingling in your body. At least I did.<p>

I really like boobs too. That explains my next action.

My hands slowly reached for the skin under her shirt.  
>When I first touched her bare skin, she let out a small moan and pulled me even closer to her, if that was even possible.<p>

Her body was so warm.

As I finally reached for her boobs, she unzipped my pants and tried to reach under my panties.

''The exam is over." I heard teacher yelling.

Oh my God. I just had a sexual fantasy during my physics exam.

I looked at my empty exam and sighed, not caring about failing the class at all.

I got up and handed the exam to the teacher.

As I walked out of the classroom, this time for real, I remembered I really felt my phone vibrating.

I stopped to get it out of my pocket and dumb-ass Puck ran right into me so hard that I almost fell.

Stupid boys, why do they always have to run?

''Watch out, stupid.'' he yelled at me.

''You watch out because if you touch her in any way once again I promise you you'll regret ever being born.''

Brittany angrily yelled at him.

Usually, I'd defend for myself, but I found her doing it very cute.

She was standing right outside my classroom, waiting for me.


	8. The way you smile lights up the room

''Did you get my text?'' Britt asked when I got closer to her.

''I was just about to read it but I was kind of busy concentrating on my gravity.'' I replied nervously, still waking up from my daydream. Or better say it, my sexual fantasy.

''No need to read it now, I just texted you that I'll be waiting for you after your exam. I woke up early and thought that we could grab a cup of coffee.

_So cute, she remembered I had the exam today. _

''Sounds perfect. Let's go.''

* * *

><p>''How are you feeling? You were pretty wasted last night.'' she said as she took a sip of coffee.<p>

It was 10 in the morning and we were siting on a terrace of the coffee shop right across our high school. Well, it was more of a bar, especially on the weekends, but the kids from school always spent time here before and after classes. Often even during the classes. The sun was shinning and it was pretty warm.

''I feel surprisingly great. I'm not even tired or anything. I expected to be really hungover when I first woke up, but I think that the amount of time I spent in the shower this morning really helped me.''

''That's good.'' she said and smiled.

Her eyes were the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. Probably because they always seemed so genuine when she talked to me. It must have been that, because I don't usually like blue eyes. But everything about Brittany was special.  
>The way she looked at me. I've never seen her looked at anyone that way.<br>The way she dressed. Everything fitted her perfectly.  
>The way she smiled when she was with me. That made me feel special because she rarely smiled in the past few months. And feeling special made me happy.<p>

I smiled back and took a sip of coffee.

_Oh God this coffee is great._

I was pretty much a coffee addict. My mom always complained about it.

''How'd your mom react when you woke up?'' she asked.

''She was really calm, actually. That was surprising, too. By the way I think she really likes you.''

''Oh God, good. I was so scared that she's going to hate me for getting you drunk.''

''Come on, it was my fault.''

''But I was with you, I should have watched out for you.''

''Seriously, come on, I'm not a child!''

''I don't care, you're not getting that drunk with me ever again. I was so scared for you. You couldn't even walk properly.''

''Yeah I know. Thanks for getting me home. Seriously, I owe you.''

''Oh please, no you don't. Of course I got you home. It was at least I could do for getting you drunk in the first place.''

''For the last time, it wasn't your fault.''

''I still feel responsible. You know I'd get you home even if you got drunk with somebody else.''

''Thanks.'' I smiled shyly.

We were both quiet for a couple of moments.

''I see you're wearing my scarf. Oh, ring too.'' she broke the silence.

''Yeah.. Do you want them back? I can give them to you like right now.''

''Oh no, just wear them. What's mine is yours too.'' she said and smiled.

I smiled back, like I always did. I couldn't help it.

We sat there for a little longer, chatting about random stuff, enjoying the sun, coffee and each other's company.


	9. In a desperate situation

**I don't even know if anybody reads this anymore, but thanks if you do.**  
><strong>I just wanted to say that everything that's written in <em>italic <em>are either Santana's thoughts or texts. I know, it's kind of messy, but I don't know any other way to write it.**

* * *

><p>''Morning,'' my mom said and looked towards me, just to check if it was me or my sister she was talking to, and moved her glance back to her laptop.<p>

''Mhm,'' I mumbeled and walked into the kitchen. I grabbed one of the bowls from the counter and placed it on the counter as I opened the fridge to grab milk. I poured the milk into the bowl and put the bowl into the microwave.

''What are you doing?'' my mom asked.

''Breakfast.''

''There's some coffee left on the stove.'' she said, not moving her sight from the laptop.

'''Are you playing those stupid games on Facebook again?'' I teased her.

I rolled my eyes because she didn't even hear me say anything, which meant that she is playing those stupid games on Facebook. Again. Seriously, how does she not get bored of it? Dad too. Ever since they discovered Facebook, those afternoons when we all gathered around in living room and watched movies and just had fun turned into all of us gathering around in living room _with our laptops_ and playing games or whatever. I'm usually there until I drink my coffee, because I can't drink coffee if I'm not smoking, and my mom hates it when I smoke in my room. She said something about all of my clothes and curtains getting smelly.

I took the bowl with warm milk in it from the microwave and poured the cereal in it.

''What's wrong with you? You look like you haven't slept in days.'' my mom said as she turned her laptop off and glanced at me.

She stood up and started getting ready for work.

''Well I haven't slept this night.'' I said and put a spoonful of cereal in my mouth.

''Why?'' she glanced at me again as she searched for her keys.

''I wah up all nigh' texting'' I muttered with my mouth full.

''Who were you texting?'' she said, grabbing her keys from the shelf next to the TV and putting them in her pocket.

''Brittany. But she's asleep now.''

''Nice. Maybe you should sleep too. I gotta go, see you later.''

''Bye.''

I poured myself a cup of hot coffee and as soon as I carefully put it down on the coffee table in the living room, I ran to my room to grab my laptop and cigarettes.

I sat down on the couch, stretched my legs across the coffee table, put my laptop on my legs and lit up a cigarette.

I was _in love_ with early summer mornings. When everything's quiet and I can watch the sunrise and think. Think how one day I'll leave this crappy town. Maybe visit New York, L.A… Or Europe. London, Paris, I don't know. I think I could settle in Europe. With somebody I love. With a girl I love. Maybe with Brittany, if we actually end up in a serious relationship. We could spend our mornings in bed. I would make her coffee and breakfast, and I would wake her up with a kiss. I would open all the windows so we could smell the morning in our bedroom, and if it would be cold I would hold her close to me. When we would feel like getting out of bed, first thing we'd do is take a bath together. On the afternoons we would make lunch together, or I would make lunch and let her do whatever she'd want to do. I would sing her stupid love songs, just to remind her that I love her. For all that I care we could even sit on the couch, both of us reading different books, as long as we'd be together. If we would feel like getting out, we would take a long walk and end up on some quiet place watching sunset, cuddling close and just enjoying each other, _loving_ each other. If we would stay at home, we would watch stupid romantic comedies and fall asleep in each others arms. We would just be in love, far away from everybody else. Just the two of us.

''Someday,'' I whispered as I took a sip of now a little colder coffee.

* * *

><p>''Santana, come here, we need to talk with you.'' I heard my mom yell from the living room.<p>

_Did I do something wrong again? Are they going to yell at me? Oh fuck. _

I turned the music off, put the laptop on my table and got up from my bed.

''What?'' I asked as I walked into the living room.

''Sit down,'' my father demanded, so I listened to him and sat down.

''Do you want to go on a vacation with us next week or do you want to stay at home?''

_Wow, tough choice. If I go on a vacation to them, I have to spend more time with them, go to the beach with them, be in the same house with them. And I don't even like them. I don't even like beaches. If I stay home, Britt can come over and we can be alone. And if we're not in public, she won't be so uptight about kissing or cuddling me. We could watch those stupid romantic movies and fall asleep in each others arms. _

''I'll stay home.''

''You can ask someone to go with you, maybe Quinn would want to. Last year you went on a vacation with her and her family, so she could go with us this year,'' my mom was persistent.

''And we promise this is the last year you'll have to go with us. Good thing we have a cottage on the coast, so next year you can take the keys and go alone. Or with friends,'' my dad engaged the conversation.

''I would just really like for all of us to go together once more, since you didn't go last year,'' my mom added.

_Yeah, like a have a lot of friends and like I'd actually want to spend time with people. Why are they doing this? Telling me I can stay and then making me feel sorry for not going. I don't want to spend time with them, I want to spend time with Brittany, alone. Maybe she could go with me._

''I'll see. I'll talk to Quinn and I'll let you know what I decide, okay?''

''Okay. But make a decision as soon as possible, we're leaving on Friday morning.''

I stood up and went to my room.

''Ugh, my parents just asked me to go on a vacation with them,'' I said annoyingly as soon as Britt picked her phone up.

''So, are you gonna go?''

''I don't know. It'll be boring with them and with my sister.''

''Maybe it won't.''

''Do you want to go with me?''

''Oh my God, no. Your mom doesn't love me, I would feel uncomfortable all the time!''

''Don't take it personal, she doesn't love me either.''

''Don't say that, she does.''

''Trust me, she doesn't. Please go with me?''

''I don't know. I can't.''

''Well, I might stay at home. Will you come over if I do?''

''Of course I will! Honestly, I can't wait till we spend more time together. Alone, you know. I'm actually annoying with everybody else right now.''

''I'll stay home then.''

''How long will they be gone?''

''About 10 days, I think.''

''I'll be at your house the whole time they'll be gone. We can stay in bed and watch movies all day long,'' her voice brightened and she sounded so happy.

''Sounds like a plan. Wanna text until you fall asleep?''

''Sure honey.''

_She called me honey. That's not what friends call each other, right? Or am I imagining things again? Ugh, I've had so much bad experience with girls that I _can't_ get my hopes up, even if I wanted to. It's best to take things slowly, right?_

A minute after I finished talking to Brittany, I heard my phone buzzing next to me on the bed.

_Can we meet at our secret place? I need you right now, and I need a cigarette. I know you always have them. – Quinn._

_Sure, see you in 10 minutes?_

_Okay. Hurry. I'm already here. Xo_

* * *

><p>Quinn was sitting on the floor, leaned on the local kindergarten's front door. Our secret place wasn't actually hidden; it was just a place where we'd meet up in the middle of the night when we had to talk. It was 3 minutes away from her house, and about 7 from mine. Nobody ever came there at night, so we figured it's the closest place where we'd have some peace and nobody would see us.<p>

''Hey,'' she greeted me.

I could see that she was crying, her eyes were red and her eyeliner was smeared.

''Hey. What happened?''

''I can't live with them anymore,'' she started sobbing, ''I just can't. They _never_ listen to me and they expect me to be this perfect little daughter they'd want to have.'' Tears came streaming down her face again.

I figured out she was talking about her parents. Whenever we'd meet there it was usually about parents. Either hers or mine. Everything else could kind of wait till the next day, but when it was about parents we had to go somewhere, we couldn't bare being in the same house with them.

''You just have to explain them that you're not their little princess anymore,'' I said, taking cigarettes out of my pocket and offering her one, ''and you have to stop bottling everything up.'' She took the cigarette and held it in her mouth, looking at me. I lit her cigarette up.

''You know I tried explaining it, they just don't get it,'' she stopped sobbing and took a drag of a cigarette.

''Then you have to stop caring.''

''I can't stop caring, they're my parents.''

''I don't care about my parents and I'm perfectly fine.''

Of course I wasn't 'perfectly fine', but it was a figure of speech. It was actually tearing me up so much on the inside. You know, not knowing what it's like to actually have parents who care about you and are there for you. Mine were rarely around when I was a kid and they didn't actually bother with playing with me or anything because I was always playing and drawing alone anyway. I was a quiet kid and if you gave me crayons and a piece of paper you didn't hear a word from me, and they were perfectly fine with that.

''It's not that easy,'' Quinn continued.

''Okay, hear me out. My parents are bugging me to go on this vacation with them next Friday, and they said that you could come with us. You'll get away from your folks and we'll get drunk every night. How does that sound?''

''Perfect. Thank you.'' She hugged me. ''I have to go now. I told them I won't be long.''

''Okay. Text me if you need anything. And don't take crap from anyone, ever.'' I winked.


	10. Such a silly thing to do

As I walked home, I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket.

_Why aren't you responding to my texts? -Brittany_

''Oh fuck,'' I said to myself. ''I totally forgot about her.''

What am I going to do now? I promised Brittany that we'll be at my place when my parents go on that stupid vacation, and I promised Quinn that we'll go with them.

I've known Quinn way longer than Brittany and she is my best friend, and she really needs to get away from her parents for a while, but if I spend _10 days_ with Brittany, alone, we could maybe even end up in a relationship or something...

_I'm SO sorry. I had a BF emergency. I'm free to text now. x_

_BF? You have a boyfriend?_

_No silly, best friend. _

_Oh, it's Quinn, right?_

_Yeah. Hey, are you home? _

_I am, why?_

_I just don't feel like going home now, wanna meet somewhere?_

_Playground, 10 minutes. xo_

* * *

><p>''What took you so long?'' Brittany asked as I approached her.<p>

She was sitting on one of the swings, holding her phone in her hands. I sat on the swing next to her.

''Walking,'' I replied and looked up at her. She was looking at me ever since she first saw me walking down the playground.

''Oh, right. I'm so stupid,'' she said and looked away from me.

''Hey, you're not stupid.'' I didn't even notice how soft and quiet my voice sounded.

She looked back at me and her lips turned into the cutest smile I've ever seen. Also, I liked the fact that _I_ made her smile like that.

''So, what happened with Quinn?'' she asked, still smiling.

''She,'' I started, trying to find a way to tell Brittany that I will be going on a vacation after all, ''she has some trouble with her parents.''

''Is it anything serious? Like, are they beating her up or something?''

''What? No! God, no. I'd beat the crap out of _them_ if they even raised a hand on her!''

''Oh… That was a stupid thing to ask. Even if they did beat her, it would be none of my business. I'm so sorry that I made you upset. I'm _so_ stupid!''

''No, I'm sorry for snapping out like that,'' I said as I moved closer to her and put my hand in hers, ''and stop saying you're stupid.''

''But I am stupid,'' she replied quietly and it sounded like she was about to cry.

I linked our fingers together and used my free hand to gently grab her chin and turn her face towards me. Her gaze moved from our linked hands to my face and her eyes met mine. ''No you're not,'' was all I managed to say, and it kind of turned into a whisper.

I started to feel a little uncomfortable because I didn't know how comfortable she was with us holding hands like that, so I took my hand away from hers and moved back where I was before. The swing I sat at started swinging a little but I stopped it.

Brittany looked back at the ground, not saying anything.

''What was wrong with Quinn is,'' as soon as I started speaking, she looked at me again, ''well, she's just having a lot of misunderstandings with her parents.''

She nodded lightly.

''And I promised her that she can go on a vacation with me,'' I said as carefully as I could, not knowing what Brittany's reaction will be. She didn't say anything and she moved her look away from me. ''She _really_ needs to get away from them,'' I continued.

''So you're gonna go after all?'' she asked, sounding a little hurt, but she still didn't look at me.

''Yeah,'' I whispered and looked away from her too. ''I'm sorry, I totally forgot we had plans for when they leave.'' I looked back at her, waiting for her reaction.

''It's okay,'' she said and finally looked at me. She gave me a weak smile. ''You're a good friend, Santana.''

''I'm not,'' I said as I moved my look from her ''if I was I wouldn't forget that you were supposed to come over.''

I stared at my hands and played with my fingers anxiously, when all of a sudden I saw her hand reach for mine. She held my left hand with her right one, and the fingers of my other hand gently touched the one she held in my lap. I was still staring at my hands, better say it, at _our_ hands, when she took her free hand and put it on right one, so that all of our hands were together. The fact that she wasn't uncomfortable with us holding hands made my heart pound really fast.

'It's okay, Santana,'' she said in the cutest voice ever, ''we can hang out when you come back.'' She took her left hand and put it on my knee, and I felt like my body froze. ''Okay?'' she said, waiting for me to respond.

I nodded.

''I should go home,'' I said as I slowly stood up. She didn't let go of my hand, and soon she was standing too.

''Okay,'' she said and took a step towards me. She smiled, pulled me closer to her and put her lips on mine. I waited for her to deepen the kiss, and I felt my body freeze even more. She deepened the kiss. She sucked on my upper lip for a while, and as soon as out tongues got involved, my hands found their way to her neck. Britt was taller than me so I had to stand on my toes, which made me lose my balance a little, but she wrapped her arms around my waist, holding me close to her.

She pulled away a little and we were no longer kissing.

''Good night,'' she whispered and gave me a small peck on the lips before she completely pulled away from me.


	11. Seems to last for ages

**Sorry it took me long to update. If anybody even reads this anymore. I hope that the length of the chapter makes up for it, it's actually twice as long as most of the others. I suck, btw. Bye.**

* * *

><p><em>So, we finally reached our destination – our house at the seaside.<em>

_The house is quite tall, but narrow. There are 3 bedrooms, each on one floor, and the kitchen and the bathroom are on the ground floor. I have no idea why I'm describing the house in my diary, I know how it looks, for fuck's sake. Whatever.  
>Quinn and I are staying in the room on the last floor, better say it, attic. It's basically my room now that my great-grandfather is dead. I don't mean to sound harsh or emotionless, but I didn't actually get a chance to get to know him. I never even tried, actually. All I remember about him is that he read a lot of books, and most of them are still here in his room, and he used to make really funny jokes about his wife, my great-grandmother. She passed away last summer, and he's been chillin' underground since autumn 3 years ago.<br>Anyway, there was a lot of shit around the room that we won't need, so Quinn and I spent about an hour shoving all that crap in the closet. We re-arranged the furniture a little bit, too. The room looks totally vintage, by the way, and I dig it. When you walk in, the first thing you see (read: the first shit you can stumble across) is an end table on which we put our make up, perfumes, hairpins, bracelets… And we put a mirror on the wall above the table. It's round, not very big but it's still a mirror, and the border is blue and made of plastic. It doesn't fit in with rest of the wooden furniture, or the flower-patterned sheets and rugs, but it'll work.  
>When you pass the, as I call it, wannabe make-up table, there's a round, wooden coffee table with flower-patterned tablecloth, and 4, also wooden, chairs.<br>At the end of the wall is a small window, and Quinn already took one of the chairs and put it in front of it. She also put all of her books on the coffee table. She says that this room seems like a perfect place to read, and she has a great view from the window. At least that's what she said. All you can see is a piece of sea, a lot of boats, and people walking through the town. Better than the view from my window, I see our neighbour's roof. _

_So, saying that you just walked into the room, that was the wall to the left. Right across the room is Quinn's bed and next to is my window. My great-grandpa had one of those awesome rocking chairs in this room, and I put it in front of the window as soon as I found it. Sitting on it felt a little uncomfortable, so I took one of Quinn's pillows to sit on. She'll never know that it's the pillow from her bed. This is my room, anyway.  
>On the wall to the right are my bed and my nightstand. Quinn doesn't have one, sucker. Though, she put like 5 of her books on it, saying that I might like them. Like I'll read them. Okay, maybe, if I'll be really bored. <em>

_We decided not to unpack because it'd be a lot of mess, and I actually like having a clean room for once, so we left our clothes in our suitcases. _

_I don't even know why I'm writing a stupid diary, I just found this empty notebook while cleaning up the room earlier and decided to keep it. It's nice, dressed in black leather, and every page has a place to write the date on in the upper left corner. I have no idea what date's today and my phone is too far away to check, so, no date today, diary. Sorry.  
>So, I wanted you to know what my room looked like. I really like it. <em>

_Until the next time I won't have something better to do,  
>Santana. <em>

''What the hell are you doing?'' Quinn asked as she walked into the room.

''Nothing,'' I said and quickly hid the notebook under my pillow.

Not even a second later, my phone buzzed on the coffee table.

''Don't even think about touching it, Fabray,'' I shouted as Quinn started walking towards the table.

''Whatever,'' she said and rolled her eyes and crossed her arms on her chest.

I got up from my bed and grabbed my phone.

_Lunch_.

''Who is it from?'' Quinn asked.

''My mom. The lunch is done. Hungry?''

''Starving, actually.''

/

_So, I'm writing to you again. I don't even know why, it's fucking 4 am and I can't sleep. Quinn fell asleep hours ago.  
>It's the second day of our vacation, and it's actually not as bad as I thought it'd be. Quinn and I went to beach yesterday after lunch and we went to some club in the evening, but we didn't meet anybody interesting. Today we stayed in the house the whole afternoon, reading. I have no idea which book she read, but I started reading The Little Prince, and I actually like it quite much. I finished like half of it. I don't know why I didn't like reading before, it's relaxing.<br>In the evening, we took a walk to the beach. We met some cute guys. Actually, we watched them play the guitars until they came to introduce themselves. They're twins, 19 years old and they both have light brown hair and shoulder length hair. The only difference is that one of them has blue, and the other green eyes. The blue-eyed one, Matthew, reminds me of Brittany. Well, his eyes do, at least. Quinn took a liking to the other one, Francis. We're meeting them tomorrow morning for coffee.  
>I got pissed after I saw a missed call from Brittany. I could've talked to her while I was hanging out with them… Anyway, she texted me that she just wanted to hear my voice and that she misses me. How cute is that? Oh God, I can't believe I'm blushing while writing a stupid diary. <em>

_If anyone ever reads this, that's it, I'll have to kill them._

_Love, _

_ Santana.  
>No, I don't actually love you, diary, it's just what people write. Oh, and once again I have no idea what date is it, so I'll just put ''Vacation – Day 2'' to the empty space on your upper left corner. xo<em>

* * *

><p>''Hey, we thought you guys wouldn't show up!'' Francis said as he stood up and let Quinn sit in the chair next to him.<p>

''Of course we showed up, it just took Santana a little while to find a way to the café.''

''Well I'm sorry that I wasn't here for three years so I got kind of lost,'' I said and rolled my eyes at Quinn.

''What are you girl having?'' the waitress asked as she approached us.

''Coffee with milk, please,'' I said without even thinking. I always order coffee.

''Warm or cold milk?'' she asked as she smiled at me.

''Warm,'' I replied and politely smiled back.

''And for you?'' she asked and looked at Quinn.

''Umm, cappuccino.''

''Coming right up.''

''She likes youuu,'' Quinn teased.

''Oh shut up, no she doesn't,'' I rolled my eyes.

''Well I hope she doesn't because we planned on taking you girls out tonight, and Matthew would be really disappointed if his date replaced him with some waitress,'' Francis said, smiling playfully at me.

When I thought about it, the waitress was cute. She had a long, wavy red hair, tied in a pony tail. She didn't seem much taller than me, though I couldn't tell because I was sitting, and she was, well, standing. And she had a nice body. And by body I mean boobs, because they really were nice.

''A date?'' realizing what the guy that Quinn was interesting in was talking about broke my from my thoughts and my eyes widened and I stared blankly at him. Yeah, I forgot his name, so what.

''Well, only if you want to. We thought we might show you guys around a little,'' Matthew said, smiling at me, as he took a sip of his coffee.

''I don't need anybody showing me around, I've been coming on vacations here since I was one year old,'' I tried explaining but Quinn interrupted me.

''We'd love to!''

''Okay, I guess it can't hurt…'' I sighed.

I immediately thought of Brittany. I have no idea what's going on between us, but it's something. I don't know if she'd like me going on dates with other guys. I don't even like guys, for fuck's sake. _Chill out, Santana, have some goddamn fun already._

''So, what do you say about meeting us at the beach, same spot as the other day, 8 o'clock?'' Francis asked.

''We say we'll be there.''

''Hopefully on time this time,'' Matthew added, still smiling at me.

I forced a smile back at him. Don't wanna seem impolite to the guy I'm going on a date tonight.

''Here you go,'' the waitress said as she brought us our orders.

While she was walking back to the bar, she turned around and winked at me. I frowned a little, thinking whether what Quinn said was true. Does she really like me? _Get real, Santana, of course she doesn't._

I looked around, from Quinn, who was sitting in front of me at the table, to Francis to my left, and then Matthew to my right, checking if they saw her wink at me too. They didn't.

I took a little bag of sugar and sipped it in my coffee, and when I took the other one I saw a phone number written on it with blue pen, and below it said ''Call me, A. ;)''

I raised one eyebrow and took my phone out of my pocket without even thinking and typed the number in it. I though about saving it as ''A the cute waitress'' but I typed just ''A'' knowing I won't forget who that is because it reminded me of A from Pretty Little Liars.

''So, you said you've been coming here since you were 1? I live here and I don't remember seeing you around before, and this town isn't that big,'' Matthew said, trying to have a conversation with me.

I looked at Quinn and she was flirting with Matthew's brother, smiling and touching her hair and stuff. Gross. I rolled my eyes and looked at Matthew.

''Umm, well, I actually haven't been here for 2 or 3 years now, and I changed a lot since then.'' I moved my position from sitting with my right leg crossed over my left one to turning to my right and putting my leg on the chair so that I could sit on it.

''That explains it.''

''So, what are your plans for tonight?''

''Honestly, I have no idea. Francis didn't even tell me that he was planning a date with the two of you tonight.''

''So, he's the one that makes planes for you, huh?''

''Kind of. I'm actually really, really shy.'' He smiled shyly and looked down at the almost empty cup of coffee that he was holding in his hands.

''It's alright, I'm not and I promise you there's no need to be shy around me.'' I took a sip of coffee and he looked up and smiled at me.

* * *

><p>''What should I wear? I don't feel like wearing this,'' Quinn said as she looked down at her outfit.<p>

I was in sitting on my bed, leaned on the wall, with a glass of wine in my left hand and a cigarette in my right one. I took a sip of wine as I looked over to Quinn to see what was the outfit she wasn't satisfied with.

A small laugh escaped my lips as I saw Quinn standing in front of her bed, wearing skinny blue jeans and a flower-patterned t-shirt.

''Well, maybe you should change your shirt, because it looks like you made it from one of the sheets.''

''I'm serious, Santana!''

I rolled my eyes knowing that she really was serious. She was always like this before a date. Or before school. Or before anything that involves going out of the house. Quinn was pretty much obsessed with her looks, especially the clothes she was wearing. Why couldn't she simply wear black like I do? It's simple but hot, and you can put any shirt you want on black jeans, or any jeans you want on black shirt. And you can put black Doc Martens boots on anything. I even wore them to beach today. I dare you to say that I don't look hot in a black bikini and those boots. And sunglasses. Hot and mysterious. Perfect.

''Wow, calm down. If you don't feel like wearing that why the fuck did you put it on?'' I asked and sighed.

''Because I have no idea what I want to wear! Should I wear a dress?''

''Wear whatever you want.'' I put the glass of a really good wine on my end table, replacing it with my phone. I wasn't that interested in Quinn's outfit so I let her make a complete mess of her suitcase digging through it looking for a better outfit and I logged on to facebook and the first thing I saw was a photo Brittany posted 2 minutes ago. It was a photo of her and some guy holding her really close by the waist and the description said _we totally have to go clubbing together again, asap ;)_.

I guess I wasn't the only one going out with guys.

''What are you wearing?'' Quinn asked. I closed the facebook app and put my phone next to me on the bed, letting it slip from my hand.

''Um, this,'' I replied and looked down at my outfit. Which was way too hotter than Quinn's. Black skinny jeans, tight black t-shirt and black Doc Martens' boots.

''You look like you're going to a funeral,'' Quinn said as she searched through her suitcase for a new outfit.

''I look hot,'' I said and picked up a hairbrush from our make-up table and started brushing my hair.

''Is this okay?'' she asked as she took out a short, blue dress from her suitcase.

I put the hairbrush down and took a black belt from my suitcase.

''Put this on, too,'' I said as I threw the belt on her bed, ''and put on those new black shoes.''

''Thanks, Santana,'' she said as she started undressing herself.

I took the eyeliner from the table and started putting it on, but I couldn't help but take a look at Quinn's body in the mirror. It's just a habit, you know, checking girls out.

She put her new outfit on and sat on her bed.

''So, does Brittany know about your date?''

I tried to look at her in the mirror, but the bed was out of sight so I stared at myself for a couple of moments. I took the pink lip gloss and put it on, finishing my make up.

''What do you care? It's _your_ fault that I have a date.'' I said angrily, with a serious look on my face.

I walked to my bed, sat on it and took the last sip of my wine.

''You didn't seem to complain about it this morning.''

''I didn't want that guy to think I don't like him.''

''You mean Matthew?''

''Whatever,'' I said and rolled my eyes for probably hundredth time that day.

''Why are you like this all the time?''

''What do you mean?''

''Well, most of the time you're quiet, in your own world and everything, but when you talk you seem happy and everything seems to be okay. But there are days when you're like this, cold and distant.''

Well, most of the time I'm thinking about Brittany and how everything would be okay if I was with her, wondering what she's doing, what we'd be doing if we were together, wondering if she's thinking about me as much as I think about her. And when I finally convince myself that I have nothing to worry about; I get out of my ''world'' and back to reality and I try to look as happy as possible. But sometimes it's hard. On days like this, it's hard. On days when I do things I don't want to do. When I go on dates with guys even though I don't actually want to. When I do things because other people want me to. Quinn would be disappointed if I refused to go, Matthew's confidence would be crushed… And then I remember I'm just leading him on. What if he starts liking me? What if eventually he falls in love with me? It happened before with guys. And I can never, ever, return those feelings. And then I remember I'm on a vacation and it'll be over in a week and I won't have to think about Matthew, and hopefully, I'll never see him again.

''It's nothing,'' I answer.

Quinn gives me a suspicious look and I continue, ''Leave me alone.''

I get up from my bed, pass her, looking at the floor the whole time. I walk down to the bathroom and lock myself in until I'm ready to deal with the real world again.

''Ready?'' Quinn asks me. I nod.

''Quinn told me all about the guys. You girls have fun tonight,'' my mom says with the biggest smile I've seen her wear in weeks.

Of course she's happy. Why wouldn't she be? I'm far away from Brittany and going out with a guy. Things have been weird with her lately. At first she liked Brittany, then she got all weird and I hear ''I don't think Brittany's gay'' from her at least once a week. That's why I never wanted to come out in the first place. That's why I never want her to know anything about me; she's never satisfied with who I am. I'm never good enough for her. Or anybody else.

I roll my eyes, _again_, and I just walk out the door.

* * *

><p><em>Dear diary,<em>

_I miss Santana._

_That's all. That's all that I've been doing today. Missing her._

_Love, Brittany._


End file.
